In life, love, and dating, there are always a set of rules and constructs that are supposed to govern social behavior and our experiences in the world. To me, there may be some truth to them, but they mostly serve to promote a false sense of control. A few months ago at this point, I broke up with a friend who had become a boyfriend (sort of). We have since been trying to transition our relationship to friendship, and it is really difficult. When you are in love with someone, and yet, you both realize that it might not be right for the long term, do you give up immediately? And if you decide to move forward as friends without a break, how do you grieve and rebuild without feeling resentment?
- This is counter-intuitive, but don’t be too honest about your feelings. Don’t talk too much about all the things that bothered you in the relationship (a little is okay). Don’t talk about how upset you are that he is going on a date with someone else. Move forward. Don’t let your friendship be about the relationship that you had or could have had or could still have in the future. It’s like talking incessantly about the ghost of a dead family member. Talk about the future. Find ways to laugh together. Discover new interests and bonds that connect you.
- Create space. Some people believe you need at least 30 days without any contact before resuming the friendship. I think rules are bullshit. Handle what you can. Take pockets that you may not have afforded yourself in the past. Think. Feel. Breathe. Don’t create situations that will only serve as sick self-torture mechanisms.
- Use the opportunity to think about the toxic elements of your relationship and make sure you take action to avoid their recurrence in your newfound friendship. With relationships, you need to compromise more. When someone is a friend, you have the luxury of not needing to take all the bad with the good. If your significant other was a semi-alcoholic and you went along with him to bars until 5am every night because you knew it made him happy, it’s not healthy, but it’s understandable. Debatable, but understandable. The awesome thing is that you don’t have to put up with that crap anymore.
- One thing I learned yesterday is that saying everything literally out loud helps. Say all the crazy stuff you don’t want to say to the other person but that you wholeheartedly mean. Cry if you need to. Punch a pillow. Get angry. It felt so good to say the things I had wanted to say.
- Stay open and compassionate. Be the person you would want to seek as your higher self, your self-sherpa in the world. When the friend you’re in love with complains about his date, yes, cry inside a little — you are entitled — but also be kind. Show him you care, and let him know that he will find that person. There are so many people and forces in the world that bring you down, and it is so important to buoy the people who mean something to you. Make sure he understands how special he is, even if your lower self wants to play games and just not respond to that text message for 2 days.
Breakups are hard. They are emotionally more difficult than sickness and other horrible life events in some strange ways. When something bad happens to me, I spring into action. I’m a fixer. Fixing your heart is less straightforward. I haven’t figured that one out yet. My only realizations are that it helps to spend some time alone and be comfortable, surround yourself with positive people who care about you, and commit to some self-improvement projects. Maybe it’s learning a new skill, losing a few pounds, picking up a hobby. Emerge stronger, better, wiser.
Discomfort Woman 